zwemclub.be

door **Speed_BB** op 23 jan 2005 12:37

Mijn neefke van 6 vond Schnappi in ieder geval de max

alsde nog van die dingskes ebt smijt da maar op jullie forum :!:

door **Pierre Vis** op 26 feb 2005 10:23

John Cleese's Letter to America
To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and nefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable eeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

door **refetus** op 26 feb 2005 12:27

Blackdrive schreef:schnappi is zooooo marginaaal...
maar het schijnt in duitsland echt populair te zijn (is van een duits meisje)

Ik heb gehoord dat er zelfs al in nederland er een nederlandse versie van gemaakt is

door **Pierre Vis** op 27 feb 2005 01:15

door **Pierre Vis** op 28 feb 2005 14:40

Nieuwe woorden VanDale editie 2005

Afvallen = van uw weegschaal tuimelen
Beschutten = West-Vlaams voor droge koeken
Braakliggend = ideale positie bij overmatig drankgebruik
Combinatie = land met veel politievoertuigen
Eerstkomend = meestal de man
Eileider = autoritaire kip
Gifgas = als het licht op groen springt
Heremiet = chique homofiel
Hinderpaal = erectie op verkeerd moment
Koepon = nachtgewaad van rund
Komkommer = in elkaar passende potjes
Minnekozen = West-Vlaams voor mijn neef
Oordeel = lel
Ovulatie = overdonderend damesapplaus
paling = vader van chinees meisje
Postwezen = kinderen van dood gepeste postbodes
Rijkdom = financieel sterk blondje
Toezicht = opletten met gesloten ogen
Verzuipen = drinken in het buitenland

door **refetus** op 09 maart 2005 21:52

ja man, waar gij u mee bezig houd!! :roll:

door **Pierre Vis** op 11 maart 2005 20:21

refetus schreef:ja man, waar gij u mee bezig houd!!

Allemaal zelf bedacht.. Ik heb dan ook geen sociaal leven :roll:

door **Pol** op 14 maart 2005 12:29

Moestje nu in de plaats van u daarmee bezig te houden nu nen keer weer komen trainen?;) -> BK klein bad moet toch mooi te doen zijn é?
En bovendien kunnen we er dan een mooie aflossingsploeg neerzetten ( ik de rug, gij de schoolslag, Domien de vlinder en Andreas/Thomas de crawl)!
Dus ge weet wat u te doen staat e alsge afgestudeer zijt: trainen, trainen en nog neke trainen é

.

door **Pierre Vis** op 18 maart 2005 14:49

Pol schreef:Moestje nu in de plaats van u daarmee bezig te houden nu nen keer weer komen trainen?;) -> BK klein bad moet toch mooi te doen zijn é?
En bovendien kunnen we er dan een mooie aflossingsploeg neerzetten ( ik de rug, gij de schoolslag, Domien de vlinder en Andreas/Thomas de crawl)!
Dus ge weet wat u te doen staat e alsge afgestudeer zijt: trainen, trainen en nog neke trainen é .

We zien wel.. Er zijn nog zoveel interessante dingen! Zoals daar zijn: zon, zee, fauna

, degustaties,... :wink:

door **Domien** op 28 mei 2005 12:36

Die pierre vis toch, een echte levensgenieter!

door **Pierre Vis** op 03 sep 2005 13:06

http://happytreefriends.atomfilms.com/watch_episodes/

Niet geschikt vr gevoelige zieltjes :twisted:

door **Pierre Vis** op 05 sep 2005 17:59

Tis ier zo stil :roll:

Ah ja, jullie zitten op school, vandaar :twisted:

door **refetus** op 05 sep 2005 19:03

Pierre Vis schreef:Tis ier zo stil
Ah ja, jullie zitten op school, vandaar

lacht anders mee onze miserie :morning:

door **Pierre Vis** op 05 sep 2005 20:07

refetus schreef:
Pierre Vis schreef:Tis ier zo stil
Ah ja, jullie zitten op school, vandaar

lacht anders mee onze miserie

Als het een troost kan zijn: dezer dagen begin ik om 07.00 te werken..
*maar ik word er natuurlijk wel vr betaald*

door **Domien** op 05 sep 2005 21:08

We hate you pierre :snipersmile:

door **Pierre Vis** op 05 sep 2005 22:25

Domien schreef:We hate you pierre

Wauw! Een fan

door **Pierre Vis** op 11 sep 2005 18:56

http://www.virustv.be

door **Pierre Vis** op 29 okt 2005 16:36

Tis n ganse boterham, maar echt wel hilarisch

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

:lol:

door **Pierre Vis** op 29 okt 2005 22:36

Het zal je familie maar wezen.. :wink:

http://prokofiev.ru/prikol/pics/p5/album-en.htm

door **Domien** op 26 maart 2006 21:54

voor de fans;):

http://users.pandora.be/cooreman/bere/

zwemclub.be

Onzin, ZEVER, nonsens, en dergelijke meer

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